real lovers never die...

for all the lovers, you're seen and appreciated <3

It’s 10 pm. I lift my glass to my lips, simultaneously tilting my head back as I savor sips of the rose-hued cocktail. The heat in my chest and onset of blurry vision is a welcome distraction from tonight. I take a quick look around the dim room, glazing over the doe-eyed couple next to me, contemplating if I’ll need a stronger drink. As I set my glass down, ready to target my next liquid victim, I hear my friend exclaim, “But honestly, I’m over him!” I refocus my attention on her and let out a light chuckle, partially at the statement – uttered across numerous lonely nights and regretful mornings – and partially at the sentiment which reveals why we’re sitting across from each other on tonight of all nights. Today is February 14.

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Growing up, The Notebook was one of my favorite movies. If you ask anyone who knows me, I’m not a natural crier, but that was one film that could always bring me to tears. Seeing two people fight for their love and find a way to be together – defying classism, familial pressures, and even their own provocations against each other – well that’s true love, isn’t it?

At least, according to the movies. But if I had to pinpoint the moment I became a true lover girl, my first time watching that film comes to mind. I remember wondering, does that type of love exist in my world? Or is it only reserved for the dramatic compositions of romance movies, meant to fill your heart with dreams of beautiful grandeur but yet remaining just slightly unattainable to the everyday person?

Though The Notebook began my cravings, I knew that the chances of a man chasing after me into a freezing ocean saying “I’m a bird” were slimmer than not. Thus enter the late 90’s/early 2000’s black films – our very own slice of true, unyielding love in cinematic form. Love Jones, Brown Sugar, Poetic Justice…When the most popular portrayals of black love involve cheating, murder, financial hardships and so on, it’s refreshing to see a happy ending. Not to say that these films were free of their own stereotypes, but it was a reminder that yes, even black women are deserving of fairy-tale, against-the-odds, whisk you off your feet type of love.

As much as I can pinpoint that as the moment I knew what I wanted love to look like, I couldn’t tell you when my reality started to be shaped differently. Whatever the catalyst, I found myself losing faith that there were still real lovers out there.

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In my early 20s, my life’s been saturated with the impersonality of dating apps or the haunting presence of “situationships.” Almost everyone my age is entrapped in “Black conversations” on Twitter, or caught up in the latest he said, she said story time on TikTok. It feels like even if you wanted to find a soul-crushing, heart-aching love, you’d search far and wide to find it amidst this generation of men and women.

Despite my dabbling, I’ve never been too optimistic about the prospect of finding my lifetime lover on an app. Like most people my age, my dream meet-cute isn’t through prompts on a screen. But it fills a void. For a few minutes – or hours – a day, you can scan through eligible men and women and try to imagine one of them has everything you’ve been looking for. But more often than not, we find ourselves disappointed as suitors fall short of our romantic expectations, or we lack the chemistry to make it work outside of a few exchanged bubbles.

Credit: Bustle

In pursuit of a deeper passion, unfortunately so many of us find ourselves settling for less than — trapped in lackluster “entanglements” (to quote Mrs. Jada) that leave us unfulfilled and wondering how we even let it get this far. Too many of us deem ourselves survivors when we escape a woeful situationship that we finally snapped ourselves out of. But as disheartening as it is, that’s so much of what our generations are presented to aspire to. In the media, on apps, by our peers… we’re constantly bombarded with people praised for noncommittal stances and nonchalant demeanors. When did it become a sign of status to show indifference and be undependable?

But even despite this, the truth I’ve discovered is that real lovers never die. Your outlook may change, but truthfully, no one can kill the lover in you unless you wholeheartedly let them. People tend to take advantage of kind hearts because they see it as a weakness, or because they feel the need to show you that love isn’t that “easy.” And maybe it’s not. But when you have so much love to give, no one should have the power to take that away from you. I think one of the markers of real lovers is that even when others don’t appreciate it, that love inside of you doesn’t go away. And that’s not encouragement to continue shelling out unconditional passion to someone who doesn’t deserve you, but rather a reminder that just because they’re not ready to receive it, doesn’t mean someone else isn’t. Sometimes that love sits inside us dormant, hoping to come across the right person who allows us to embrace our true selves and reconnect with our innate desires, until it can be stoked back to life like a fire. But the fire never truly goes out.

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In recent months, I’ve found myself re-embracing the dying art of yearning. Remembering the surging infatuations that come with having a new crush, the joy of sharing parts of your life with someone, learning someone’s heart as they learn yours. So often we’re meant to feel ashamed of wanting, of desiring that companionship. But pretending not to care is exhausting. Longing doesn’t have to equal chasing, and it doesn’t have to mean wearing your heart on your sleeve, but there is a simple pleasure in craving someone else and having them crave you. And although I still yearn to feel butterflies at every nuance, a part of growing up is also acknowledging that love isn’t always the fantasy you create in your head – it’s patient, it’s kind, it’s the calm amidst chaos. Yet, it’s still love.

Furthermore, I’m reminded that love has so many forms and we’re almost always surrounded by it. Real lovers love love even when they aren’t participating in it, because the reminder that it exists is almost just as sweet. And no one said love always has to be romantic. Yes, we may still crave a partner, but in the absence of one, the world doesn’t stop spinning and we don’t stop giving or receiving that love. Instead of holding my breath, or Waiting to Exhale, I’m actively taking love as it comes – through friends, through family, through myself. My parents were my first example of unconditional love, and I hope to mirror that in my own life. My friends are some of the greatest loves of my life, and I feel so grateful that this love has found me in my lifetime. The idea that we only have one soulmate in our life has long been extinguished; being able to share a deep, fulfilling connection with your loved ones is the epitome of love beyond romance, a love that warms you and fills your cup more than sometimes even a romantic partner can.

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So as I looked around the restaurant, I did wish for a while that I was there with someone else. I imagined myself sipping the last of a Malbec as my leg brushed up against my partner’s, locked in eye contact that neither of us wants to break. I imagined tension that could shatter a glass and impassioned conversations that you never want to end. But I also felt overwhelmingly content with where I was, enjoying a candlelight dinner with one of my closest friends as we shed tears and shared laughs as we have so many times before, and will so many more.

My love for love may have begun with delusions of grandeur, but it blossomed with the simplicity of real love I’ve witnessed daily. Because real lovers never die. We grow, and mature, and flourish our love in new forms, never letting that fire within fully go out.

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As we lift our glasses, she asks, “What are we cheersing to?”

“Cheers to real love.”

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For all the real lovers, enjoy a few of my favorite films that remind you love is always there <3

• The Perks of Being a Wallflower

• The Notebook

• Brown Sugar

• Somebody Great

• How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days

• Crazy Rich Asians

• Waiting to Exhale

Songs to enjoy when you’re in a loving mood: https://music.apple.com/us/playlist/pl.u-6m6WtKplDm7