from the bookshelf: thicker than water
exploring sense of self with Kerry Washington's memoir
I’ll begin by saying I’m not a typical memoir reader. I’ve tended to shy away from biographies, previously seeing them as tedious retellings of a life already lived. But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve found so much wisdom and understanding in memoirs, specifically of those told by Black women. There’s so much held within those pages – traumas that manifest as grief, self-doubt, heartache, but also courage, resilience, a newfound sense of self. One of the first memoirs I read that really got me into the genre was Gabrielle Union’s We’re Going to Need More Wine. I’ve always admired Union as an actress and woman in Hollywood, partially because of her abrasiveness and willingness to live her life unapologetically. And after reading both of her novels, I know that wasn’t always the case.
Nevertheless, Kerry Washington’s memoir spoke to me in the same tune - notably less comedic - but the story of a woman finding her voice and uncovering her true self despite being told differently her whole life. It also just so happened that I recently began re-watching Scandal, so I thought it was ironic timing for me to learn about the woman behind America’s favorite fixer.
I heard about Washington’s story in 2023 when her novel, Thicker Than Water was first released. “Kerry Washington Recently Discovered Her Dad Is Not Her Biological Father” read the People Magazine headline, with similar stories following suit. Talk about a headline that grabs your attention and makes you lean in. At 41 years old, the Scandal star discovered she was conceived through artificial insemination with a donor - a man whose identity to this day remains unknown. Imagine being in your 40s and having your whole world flipped upside down; realizing that you never knew where you came from, still don’t, and thus feeling like you don’t truly know who you are. Most of us struggle with discovering ourselves even when we can trace our family tree.
Washington’s lack of self manifested in different ways, one being her relationship with eating and her body image.
“I had not been allowed to feel, or to know myself. My biology had been their enemy. Consequently, I had learned to survive without a true relationship to it. I didn't know my body; I couldn't read its signs. I didn't rest when I was tired, didn't register when I was hungry, couldn't decipher when I was full. Over time, my body became my enemy, and I couldn't bear the discomfort of being fully present in my skin. “ (pg. 301)
Reading about the disconnect from one’s own body taking shape as an eating disorder from what I perceive as a very beautiful and confident woman allowed me to resonate with her vulnerabilities. Looking at her on a screen or a red carpet, you would never guess that Kerry Washington dealt with binge eating and compulsive exercise as a form of her bodily obsessions. But then again, that just speaks to how often we only see what people allow us to see. As someone who’s always struggled with a bit of body dysmorphia - feeling like there always had to be something I could do better - I related to clinging on to some semblance of control, even if it came at the detriment to your own body. I applaud Washington for exposing her own insecurities, further opening the door on conversations of self-harm’s impact on so many people, even those you would least suspect.
Washington’s memoir is a compelling story of overcoming self-doubt through her roles as an actress. What started as a creative outlet to be anyone but herself, ironically ended up being one of the things that brought her closer to knowing herself. She shares how every time she takes on a character, she studies them down to the accent that appears on certain words or the way they walk, immersing herself in their world to best become them. And while she pulls these pieces of the character into her performance, she also weaves in pieces of herself. When she became pregnant, Washington recounted how she felt afraid of betraying Olivia Pope’s character, worried of how she could embody the strong, do-it-all persona while hiding her own truth. By working with an acting coach, she discovered that if she couldn’t give her body to the character, she could give her heart instead, and this revelation allowed her to see her own life’s importance in a new way.
“I began to understand that in bringing myself to the character rather than escaping myself to find her, together we were able to express a mutual, share truth, not just an imaginary one outlined in the pages of a script. Suddenly, my identity, my history, my feelings, my life as Kerry mattered in a new way.” (pg. 242)
I have to say, I was unfamiliar with Kerry’s game. I didn’t realize how many amazing and monumental roles she’d been in - Save the Last Dance, Ray, For Colored Girls to name a few. One of the things that stuck out to me the most was how she enjoyed taking on these roles because they gave her an opportunity to be someone else, and to give her all to these characters in a way that she felt she’d never been able to give herself. There was also a power in only taking on roles that she wanted to whether or not others believed they’d be successful. By staying true to her gut (Olivia Pope style), Washington was able to claim her power as an actress and it made it harder for someone else to dictate who she should be, or what she should be doing.
“Auditioning is one of the areas in my life where I learned the hard way that I needed to take hold of the concept of success and wrangle it away from the grip of others to define it for myself.” (pg. 131)
Throughout the book, the theme of water underlies every turn. Kerry Washington is a swimmer, her character Olivia is a swimmer, and water is one of the places that she felt most connected with her father (despite him not being her biological father) and truest to herself. As a water sign, naturally, I loved this. There’s a gravitation that comes with being in the water, where you feel weightless and everything outside of it is distorted. And this feeling is what allowed Washington to be the most present with her identity, because under the water is where the only voice she can hear clearly is her own. I sat with this revelation for a minute, a fitting epilogue to a novel where learning to listen to your own intuition and trusting your gut seem like foreign concepts when you don’t know yourself. Throughout life we’re clouded with nuisances, opinions, and all types of external noise, and if we don’t learn how to drown it out, we’ll let other people tell us who we are instead of listening to ourselves.
Despite it taking me longer than my monthly deadline to finish Thicker Than Water, I found solace in this memoir about being at war with one's own body, learning to let go of control and perfectionism, and understanding how your own story has led you to this moment in life. Below are three lessons I learned from my read and reminders as I continue shaping my own narrative.
Biology doesn’t wholly determine who you are. I am the product of my community, of the love I’ve been given and the resources at my disposal to decide ultimately who I want to be.
Even if you think you have nothing to give, you have your heart.
You are your own North Star. When you feel lost, you have to trust yourself enough to come back to yourself.
Rating 4/5: ⭐⭐⭐⭐
*honestly if I loved memoirs this might’ve gotten a 5, but it still was just a bit less engaging than I like in my reads..but nonetheless I enjoyed stepping outside my comfort zone!