Or a page full of half thoughts, where at one point I was brimming with ideas, never to be returned to again.

Frustrated, tired, and yet filled with so many emotions I don’t know how to convey. Burnout in a burnt out world.

I’ve been waiting for the motivation to find me, or better yet for me to find it. But all I’ve been left with lately is more and more blank pages.

I’ve been racking my brain, digging deep for the source of my mental fatigue. Burdened by everything going on in the world, from looming wars to conspiracy theories to the latest social-political scandal that goes without repercussions. Drained from 9-5 workdays that require you to be always-on, and then trying to reclaim your 5-9. Weekends with surges of social battery, 3 am nights, and a cluster of people to fill your every waking moment. At this point, have we come up with any other words for exhaustion?

But lately, I’ve found myself staring at these blank pages.

And thinking maybe my lack of motivation isn’t always a bad thing. My cup is so full, it runs over with a community I couldn’t be more thankful for. A job that still feels like a job, but doesn’t make me hate my existence in a corporate-filled world. A city filled with opportunities and experiences that sometimes I’d rather dance all night or wander through store aisles, than stare at another screen and will my thoughts to turn into meaningful words.

So is being unmotivated really that bad?

I know that when I have something to say, the words will find me. The tangle of half-evoked feelings and brain fog that seem like a plague will clear. And I’ll return to the point of saying too much, but feeling like I haven’t said enough.

But for now, I’ll revel in the feeling of being unmotivated. I’ll stay present. I’ll be intentional.

And I’ll probably find myself staring at more blank pages.

I held the tears at bay as all of the emotions from the last couple weeks swirled around in my head, pushing at the dam that would send me into a freefall of hysteria and sob-ridden hiccups if I gave in. Because the man who I spent the last two months dating had turned into another failed situationship. Because I had gotten into the first real fight with my best friend. Because I was two weeks away from leaving some of my closest friends and the community I’d so passionately poured into over the last 4 years. Because my apartment was in so much disarray, strewn with half packed boxes and clutter I’d hoarded that I couldn’t walk two feet without tripping over a wayward shoe. Just because.

I hate crying in public. To know me is to know I hate crying in general. But the overwhelming weight of everything I’d been holding back was finally crushing down, and though I may have been resolved not to let the tears fall, they were resolved to push me to my breaking point.

A few months ago, I made the decision to move back “home”, i.e my parent’s house. And though the decision had been final for months and I’d spent the last year teasing it to my friends, often to a chorus of “please stop bringing it up,” it still didn’t come any easier.

I had my pros and cons down to a tee, rattling off the mixture of financial stress and “looking out for future me” that had initially fueled the decision like it was a memorized school report. I made my moving checklist and planned my own going away party, pressured to make everything perfect for my final days. I had it all together, it all made sense.

But as I sat on the train, sunglasses covering my eyes to hide my weakening facade, I fought not to crumble. A day before, I’d gotten a request for additional documents to the housing lottery (the same one I’ve been applying to since before I moved in 2021 but was just now somehow advancing to the final stages for). And as I read the email on the train, asking me if I wanted to tour a studio unit of a supportive housing building just a week before my move out date, I lost it. Because it was exactly what I did not want. Because it refueled my decision for moving. Because it made it real- I had to make this tough decision for myself and the future I knew I wanted, but it didn’t make it any less bittersweet.

“Working toward a goal, a project, a dream – it requires real dedication. It’s inconvenient. It’s uncomfortable.”

- from discomfort is the price you pay for a fulfilling life

Like most people, I’m pretty uncomfortable with change, avoiding it like the bubonic plague until I’m forced into situations that require me to abandon my previously cushiony circumstances. Moving 17 hours away back to my hometown in the height of my independence and personal growth journey naturally felt like a setback, one of the biggest changes I’ve had to do in a long time. It felt like starting over…

until I decided that’s what I needed.

Because I was starting over (in a way). I was resetting the expectations for what I wanted my life to look like, and re-grounding myself in my purpose, which at this stage in my life required a change of scenery. Instead of looking at it as a setback, I resolved to use this time as a foundation - the first steps to the life I’d already mapped out on my Pinterest boards but was just too afraid to take the leap into.

My first few days home felt…calm. Optimistic even. Yes, I felt the twinges of sadness and held back *more* tears as I sent my final goodbye text to my community. But more than that, I had the chance to revel in my “boredom.” In days spent in consistent routine, waking up to the sound of my father clacking away in his office, and winding down with homemade dinners and family banter I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed.

I found time to tap back into my simple pleasures, like binging seasons of Ready to Love (one of the few dating shows I condone) and making my way through the growing list of books I promised myself I’d read in 2025. I’m exploring a city that sits stagnant in my Instagram bio like a trophy wife but I haven’t spent more than two weeks in since 2021.

“New York keeps me busy, yes, but it also keeps me distracted. There doesn’t seem to be enough space to hear myself think, to sit with what I really need.”

“And to me, if this is what boredom is helping me realize? Then I know the rest of my twenties, the little that I have left, will be the sexiest, most gracious yet. All because I chose differently.”

- from being bored is making me sexy

I’m trying to prioritize rest in the ways I’d lost living in the city that never sleeps, and become okay with doing nothing again. I’m putting a spotlight on more intentional hangouts with friends, but also re-finding the glory in days spent alone.

Truth is, in the words of my good friend - i don’t know what the f*ck I’m doing - but I finally feel like I have the time to figure it out. I was so resolved to not be that lady crying on the train, but I know now she was just figuring out how to say goodbye and make room for the next chapter. And the next time I find myself shedding tears on public transit, maybe I’ll let them fall.

There was a time when I denied this, seeing delusion as a weakness and forcing myself to be grounded back in reality. But what happens when you give in to your delusions justtt a little bit? Will you find yourself falling into a pit of far fetched dreams, or will the seemingly impossible happen?

Is delusion the secret to success?

Case Study #1 - Onijah Robinson

Onijah Andrew Robinson Is a Fashion Girl Now

Onijah Robinson was a 33-year old woman from New York with a Nicki Minaj-filter and a dream. The world followed her story on TikTok, laughing but rallying behind the woman who moved to Pakistan for a (suspect at best) marriage and seemingly took over everyone’s feed as she demanded money for who knows what. The epitome of delusion, but “respect to da law” is now engrained in every Gen Zer I know’s vernacular.

Upon her return to New York, Robinson is now a living social media legend. Her story captivated modern media and she’s been featured on top pages everywhere from Netflix to The People Gallery. Onijah Robinson is a delusion success story. She set out with a goal to get married and “rebuild” Pakistan, and although she may not have changed the country, her success has carried beyond our phone screens.

Case Study #2 - Issa Rae

How Issa Rae Is Future-Proofing Her Career In Hollywood By Building An Empire

Issa Rae - we all know her, love her, and watch her. What started as a Yotube series telling the stories of Black girls, evolved into a major network TV show, a fan-favorite film, a successful prosecco line, L.A. based restaurants and cafes, and the list goes on. In a 2016 interview with The Cut, Rae recalls how her father pressured her to study political science but later found her passion in examining black art, leading her to create first a web series then an organization to help writers of color in Hollywood. Now almost a decade later, she’s a household name with Emmy and Golden Globe nominations and a bevy of people dying to work with her.

As a 20-something year old creating Youtube content, the success Issa Rae has accomplished now might’ve seemed like a pipe dream. But she believed in herself, and when you believe in yourself so vividly, someone else will too.

Delusion, in its simplest form, is a version of manifestation. It’s believing something to be so true to the extent that it is as far as you’re concerned. And if you aren’t believing in your goals, your future, to the point where no one could tell you it isn’t happening, then aren’t you cheating yourself a little bit?

We’ve grown into a society where “fake it till you make it” drives every aspect of our lives, but sometimes you really do have to fake it until you make it. And I’m not talking pretending you’re married to Damson Idris every day, but walking in the path that you know is destined for you until it becomes yours. Yes, there’s still work that has to be done because you can’t just blow out a birthday candle and expect everything to magically happen for you, but when you believe that everything you want is already yours, it actually can be.

I read this passage from my recent book, Parable of the Talents, and it matched my thoughts perfectly: “If you want a thing – truly want it, want it so badly that you need it as you need air to breathe, then unless you die, you will have it. Why not? It has you.”

Everything we want is only a delusion away - your dream relationship, dream career, dream apartment. Let your delusions be the fuel that keeps you striving towards your goals, because every accomplishment was once a delusion you believed in and made come true.

I was fresh off two weeks of travel, came back straight to another nonstop work week, and spent all my free time cleaning and trying to get my life back in order. All I wanted to do was rest. No plane to catch, no dinners to rush off to, no zoom call to log into.

I turned on some jazz music (check out the Grown playlist on Apple Music, perfect for slow mornings) and cooked a real breakfast - something I’ve found falling off my priorities with the hustle and bustle of busy weekday mornings. I put my devices in my room while I ate so I wouldn’t be tempted to scroll or answer messages, as I’ve found that recently I always have to multitask with screen time for any activity, even things as simple as eating. Afterwards I lit a candle and did some journaling without a prompt, because I didn’t want to feel like I was forcing myself to write about something. I just wrote until I felt like stopping - about my plans for the day, my recent anxiety around changes, anything that came to mind.

One of my favorite coffee shops (s/o The Oma II) was having a Beats N’ Brews event so I headed there to enjoy a matcha and music, and finally knocked out my Houston blog I’ve been delaying with my clustered mind. Then my joy of the day was a walk - I popped an edible (Wyld Sour Tangerine are the perfect mix of chill and energy) and literally just walked. 30 minutes turned into an hour turned into two hours. I vaguely knew where I was going but also just took in the sights of streets turning into walking paths turning into bike trails turning into a waterside park. I walked alongside the Hudson for what felt like forever, absorbing the winds as they whipped against my face and the stretch of each muscle as I felt my legs exert to give me every step I asked for. I walked until I couldn’t walk anymore.

Even though I was exercising, this was the most rest I’d had in days. Weeks even. It felt so good to not be attached to anything but my own body. Feeling the thumping in my chest as my breaths caught up to my stride, the sun beaming onto the nape of my neck. I was walking aimlessly, but it still felt like I had a destination.

Today at church, the sermon was about how we have to let go of our old way of life for God to transform our lives. By the analogy shared, you can’t sew a new shirt patch onto an old one and expect it to fit and look seamless. We try to maintain a sense of control, holding on to what we know best even when it’s dragging us down, over letting go and letting God.

And as I reflected on my walk yesterday, I realized that I had been trying to fit all these new things - new work responsibilities, new financial burdens, letting go of past relationships, my growing faith, the list goes on - into my old life without any change, which was leaving me exhausted. Craving rest in the way you crave water on a scorching summer day. I wanted to hold on to what was familiar and feel like I had complete control over every decision, rather than trusting that God would take care of me and my future. Sometimes it may feel like I’m walking aimlessly, no end in sight, but I know that when I put in His hands there’s always an end goal.

When I started writing, I wasn’t planning to turn this into a personal testimony but it was a much needed reminder to myself and hopefully for someone else that you have to stop putting so much pressure on yourself and trying to make puzzle pieces fit where they aren’t supposed to, just because you got a glimpse of the final image.

Take a long walk. Let go. Rest.

Growing up, The Notebook was one of my favorite movies. If you ask anyone who knows me, I’m not a natural crier, but that was one film that could always bring me to tears. Seeing two people fight for their love and find a way to be together – defying classism, familial pressures, and even their own provocations against each other – well that’s true love, isn’t it?

At least, according to the movies. But if I had to pinpoint the moment I became a true lover girl, my first time watching that film comes to mind. I remember wondering, does that type of love exist in my world? Or is it only reserved for the dramatic compositions of romance movies, meant to fill your heart with dreams of beautiful grandeur but yet remaining just slightly unattainable to the everyday person?

Though The Notebook began my cravings, I knew that the chances of a man chasing after me into a freezing ocean saying “I’m a bird” were slimmer than not. Thus enter the late 90’s/early 2000’s black films – our very own slice of true, unyielding love in cinematic form. Love Jones, Brown Sugar, Poetic Justice…When the most popular portrayals of black love involve cheating, murder, financial hardships and so on, it’s refreshing to see a happy ending. Not to say that these films were free of their own stereotypes, but it was a reminder that yes, even black women are deserving of fairy-tale, against-the-odds, whisk you off your feet type of love.

As much as I can pinpoint that as the moment I knew what I wanted love to look like, I couldn’t tell you when my reality started to be shaped differently. Whatever the catalyst, I found myself losing faith that there were still real lovers out there.

In my early 20s, my life’s been saturated with the impersonality of dating apps or the haunting presence of “situationships.” Almost everyone my age is entrapped in “Black conversations” on Twitter, or caught up in the latest he said, she said story time on TikTok. It feels like even if you wanted to find a soul-crushing, heart-aching love, you’d search far and wide to find it amidst this generation of men and women.

Despite my dabbling, I’ve never been too optimistic about the prospect of finding my lifetime lover on an app. Like most people my age, my dream meet-cute isn’t through prompts on a screen. But it fills a void. For a few minutes – or hours – a day, you can scan through eligible men and women and try to imagine one of them has everything you’ve been looking for. But more often than not, we find ourselves disappointed as suitors fall short of our romantic expectations, or we lack the chemistry to make it work outside of a few exchanged bubbles.

In pursuit of a deeper passion, unfortunately so many of us find ourselves settling for less than — trapped in lackluster “entanglements” (to quote Mrs. Jada) that leave us unfulfilled and wondering how we even let it get this far. Too many of us deem ourselves survivors when we escape a woeful situationship that we finally snapped ourselves out of. But as disheartening as it is, that’s so much of what our generations are presented to aspire to. In the media, on apps, by our peers… we’re constantly bombarded with people praised for noncommittal stances and nonchalant demeanors. When did it become a sign of status to show indifference and be undependable?

But even despite this, the truth I’ve discovered is that real lovers never die. Your outlook may change, but truthfully, no one can kill the lover in you unless you wholeheartedly let them. People tend to take advantage of kind hearts because they see it as a weakness, or because they feel the need to show you that love isn’t that “easy.” And maybe it’s not. But when you have so much love to give, no one should have the power to take that away from you. I think one of the markers of real lovers is that even when others don’t appreciate it, that love inside of you doesn’t go away. And that’s not encouragement to continue shelling out unconditional passion to someone who doesn’t deserve you, but rather a reminder that just because they’re not ready to receive it, doesn’t mean someone else isn’t. Sometimes that love sits inside us dormant, hoping to come across the right person who allows us to embrace our true selves and reconnect with our innate desires, until it can be stoked back to life like a fire. But the fire never truly goes out.

In recent months, I’ve found myself re-embracing the dying art of yearning. Remembering the surging infatuations that come with having a new crush, the joy of sharing parts of your life with someone, learning someone’s heart as they learn yours. So often we’re meant to feel ashamed of wanting, of desiring that companionship. But pretending not to care is exhausting. Longing doesn’t have to equal chasing, and it doesn’t have to mean wearing your heart on your sleeve, but there is a simple pleasure in craving someone else and having them crave you. And although I still yearn to feel butterflies at every nuance, a part of growing up is also acknowledging that love isn’t always the fantasy you create in your head – it’s patient, it’s kind, it’s the calm amidst chaos. Yet, it’s still love.

Furthermore, I’m reminded that love has so many forms and we’re almost always surrounded by it. Real lovers love love even when they aren’t participating in it, because the reminder that it exists is almost just as sweet. And no one said love always has to be romantic. Yes, we may still crave a partner, but in the absence of one, the world doesn’t stop spinning and we don’t stop giving or receiving that love. Instead of holding my breath, or Waiting to Exhale, I’m actively taking love as it comes – through friends, through family, through myself. My parents were my first example of unconditional love, and I hope to mirror that in my own life. My friends are some of the greatest loves of my life, and I feel so grateful that this love has found me in my lifetime. The idea that we only have one soulmate in our life has long been extinguished; being able to share a deep, fulfilling connection with your loved ones is the epitome of love beyond romance, a love that warms you and fills your cup more than sometimes even a romantic partner can.

So as I looked around the restaurant, I did wish for a while that I was there with someone else. I imagined myself sipping the last of a Malbec as my leg brushed up against my partner’s, locked in eye contact that neither of us wants to break. I imagined tension that could shatter a glass and impassioned conversations that you never want to end. But I also felt overwhelmingly content with where I was, enjoying a candlelight dinner with one of my closest friends as we shed tears and shared laughs as we have so many times before, and will so many more.

My love for love may have begun with delusions of grandeur, but it blossomed with the simplicity of real love I’ve witnessed daily. Because real lovers never die. We grow, and mature, and flourish our love in new forms, never letting that fire within fully go out.

As we lift our glasses, she asks, “What are we cheersing to?”

“Cheers to real love.”

For all the real lovers, enjoy a few of my favorite films that remind you love is always there <3

• The Perks of Being a Wallflower

• The Notebook

• Brown Sugar

• Somebody Great

• How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days

• Crazy Rich Asians

• Waiting to Exhale

Songs to enjoy when you’re in a loving mood: https://music.apple.com/us/playlist/pl.u-6m6WtKplDm7

A quote I enjoy goes, “What if there’s no wrong answer? Things are never all or nothing. Either way you go, you end up great or not, or somewhere in the middle.”

I imagine that navigating your twenty-somethings shares a lot of parallels with these statements. You don’t always know where you’re going, or how things will turn out, but you have to trust yourself and hope that you’ll end up where you’re supposed to be. So as I reflected on my lessons, wondering if I was remembering and sharing the “right” things that have impacted me, I pointed out to myself that there is no wrong answer and these are just little reminders that keep me honest.

Enjoy! <3

1. You have free will…literally. Do what YOU wanna do!

2. Always ask for what you want and know you deserve. Whether it’s that job, friendships, relationships.. the worst they can say is no.

3. Never let a job drain your mental health. The workplace, while not always maybe your go-to safe place, should still be a place of learning, growth and pouring into your skills and dreams. Once it stops doing that, it may be time to move on.

4. It's okay for your passions to change and feel like you’re putting to death a part of yourself. That’s still growth and shedding this layer doesn’t make you any less you.

5. Romanticize your life down to the little things. The way your room looks in the sunlight, the yummy looking matcha you made, the cozy bedtime routine.

6. Do not be afraid to crash out (reasonably)!! Showing your emotions does not have to be a weakness and you’re entitled to a reaction if you feel the need to do so. But still be mindful of any unintended consequences.

7. 9/10 your soulmate isn’t calling you from a blocked number – there’s a reason they’re blocked.

8. Get therapy (and all your doctor’s appointments) while you’re still on your parents’ insurance.

9. So many things in life are mind over matter. I know we say this so often but truly once you get past the mental barriers, you can do so many things you thought you would never do.

10. Never regret telling someone how you felt/ how they made you feel. Will you have a myriad of emotions about it? Probably. But more often than not you may regret holding your tongue more.

11. It’s okay to be exhausted. You can’t take care of others when you’re not taking care of yourself. Take that mental health day, book a self-care experience, and prioritize yourself sometimes.

12. Healthy girl tip: try to get outside at least once a day, even if just to walk around the corner.

13. You do not always have to be the bigger person. Sometimes it’s okay to be selfish and choose what you want over putting other people’s feelings and emotions first.

14. Complaining is human, but be grateful for what you have and where you are. You’re living in answered prayers. Remember that!

15. Unfortunately you can not drink how you used to in college. Pedialyte + liquid IV are your besties.

16. Travel while you can with no responsibilities, kids or otherwise. Make that bucket list, save some money and see the world.

17. Say no more often. You do not need to be a yes man to everything.

18. It’s okay to stay in for a weekend. Give the streets a rest every now and then; I promise they’ll still be there <3

19. Make time for your passions because it only gets harder as you get older, so carve out that space when you can.

20. I saw a video recently that said sometimes a closed door has nothing behind it. Don’t let your ego get in the way of you walking away and on to better things.

21. Spend less time worrying about what could have been or “should” have been, and stay present in what is. It’s hard to let things go but truly the things that are meant to work out for you won’t miss you.

22. Please please please make a budget. Yes money will come back yada yada but think about how sick you finna be for those couple weeks you don’t have it.

23. Finding a community isn’t always easy or immediate, but remember to be thankful for the village you have. We take for granted the people we have supporting us sometimes and that love isn’t always guaranteed

24. Disappointment is a part of life. Roll with the punches, charge it to the game, and find things that make you happy in spite of it.

25. Sometimes there’s no right or wrong answer. Trust yourself and do what you think is best.

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